it's amazing how often i forget what i am

Week starting Monday, December 14: Aries

Opportunity knocks this week as a new moon in Sagittarius amps uf the good fortune factor in your life. Don't burn yourself out chasing after your lucky star. Instead, practice the art of "holding the space". Creatively visualize waht it would be like to already have this wish come true. What would the experience be walking through your days? How would you feel, think, act, dress? As you shift yourself into this mindset, the right steps reveal themselves to you. Expand your discover radius to include people living halfway around the globe. The right collaborators for you may be a long-distance away now. Consider booking a plane ticket for a face-to-face meeting or enrolling in a longer-term course of study to get your skills up to date with your dreams.

General Characteristics of Aries:

Aries is ruled by Mars, the fiery red planet of energy and drive. In mythology, Mars was the god of war and aggression. Highly impatient and competeitive, many Aries have the fighting spirit of your mythological ruler. you love to be a hero--or to be swept away by one. As the zodiac's first sign, you were born to be number one. You're a solo star who steals the spotlight and inspires everyone with your confidence. Yeah, you can be impatient, even a little bossy, especially when you don't get your way. As the "baby" of the zodiac, you need lots of attention, and can throw quite the tantrum when you don't get it. Fortunately, you rarely have a problem turning heads. Your friends love to follow as you lead them on the latest adventure. Make sure to let other people be the boss every now and then, too, or you could alienate potential allies. Focus your competitive streak into a diva-worthy goal, delegate to your troops, and you'll rise to the top!

how does it feel to be different from me

Don't you see how much it hurts?

You're killing me.
You're killing all of us.
All of our hopes and dreams and desires-
Everything each of us has ever wanted,
Has ever accomplished,
Ever dreamed
Or succeeded at-
And you have to shoot us down,
Demean us,
Make us feel like nothing we have ever done
Or ever could do
Would be enough for you,
Enough to make you proud of us
For once in either of our lives.
How can you say that you love us
If you can't even say
That we have ever made you proud?
As parents, I would think
That that would be key...
I guess I'm wrong.

Why can't you, just once,
Show some empathy, sympathy, support, loyalty;
Something other than just apathy, contempt, disdain...

I'm so tired of feeling
Like this house is not a home.
I want to just go home,
But I haven't found it yet...
After 20 years,
You would think that place would be obvious...
But it's just not.
It hasn't been for years.
...years.
Years you've been too busy,
Too pessimistic
Too scornful
To help us fulfill our dreams-
Our dreams that are slowly being crushed
Forgotten
Altered
Diminished
All because you don't "approve"
Thinking the decisions we are making
To follow the shining lights
We see on our horizons
Won't get us where you want us to be...

Why can't you see
That every time you suppress us
Belittle us
Deprecate us
Criticize us
We lose a little more self confidence,
A little more hope,
A little more love of life,
A little more drive
To accomplish anything,
And feel like nothing we do for you
Will ever be worth it to anyone
Including ourselves...

How can you expect us
To do what you want
Be what you want us to be
When even though we try
To do everything you say
You still push us back down,
Talk about us behind our backs,
Don't encourage our efforts,
Disapprove of our progress,
And won't congratulate our successes,
However great or small each is or isn't??

I can't take it anymore.
I CAN'T.
I'm dying inside
Because of you.

I want you to read this
I want you to see my pain
See these tears
Know that you are the cause-
The reason none of us try,
Why we're distancing ourselves
From you-
Because your intentions for us
Emotionally distress us...

Is it sad that I know
That even if you ever read this
Nothing will change?
You never listen.
You're always right,
Never wrong.
I've told you before
And according to you
I was wrong.

Thanks
For believing in us.
For believing in me...
Thanks
For nothing.

faith of the fallen

"You are ruled," Richard said in a voice that rang out over the multitude, "by mean little men."

The people gasped as one. To speak against a brother was treason, most likely, and heresy for sure.

"My crime?" Richard asked aloud. "I have given you something beautiful to see [in this statue], daring to hold the conviction that you have a right to see it if you wish. Worse . . . I have said that your lives are your own to live."

A rolling murmer swept out through the multitude. Richard's voice rose in power, demading in its clarity to be heard above the whispering.

"Evil is not one large entity, but a collection of countless, small depravities brought up from the muck by petty men. Living under the Order, you have traded the enrichment of vision for a gray fog of mediocrity--the fertile inspiration of striving and growth, for mindless stagnation and slow decay--the brave new ground of the attempt, for the timid quagmire of apathy."

With gazes riveted and lips still, the crowd listened. Richard gestured out over their heads with his sledgehammer, wielded with the effortless grace of a royal sword.

"You have traded freedom not even for a bowl of soup, but worse, for the spoken empty feelings of others who say that you deserve to have a full bowl of soup provided by someone else.

"Happiness, joy, accomplishment . . . are not finite commodities, to be divided up. Is a child's laughter to be divided up and allotted? No! Simply make more laughter!"

Laughter, pleased laughter, rippled through the crowd.

Brother Narev's scowl grew. "We've heard enough of your extremist rambling! Destroy your profane statue. Now."

Richard cocked his head. "Oh? The collective assembly of the Order, and of brothers, fears to hear what one insignificant man could say? You fear mere words that much, Brother Narev?"

Dark eyes stole a quick glance at the crowd as they leaned forward, eager to hear his answer.

"We fear no words. Virtue is on our side, and we will prevail. Speak your blasphemy, so all may understand why moral people will side against you."

Richard smiled out at the people, but he spoke with brutal honesty.

"Every person's life is theirs by right. An individual's life can and must belong only to himself, not to any society or community, or he is then but a slave. No one can deny another person their right to their life, nor seize by force what is produced by someone else, because that is stealing their means to sustain their life. It is treason against mankind to hold a knife to a man's throat and dictate how he must live his life. No society can be more important than the individuals who compose it, or else you ascribe supreme importance, not to man, but to any notion that strikes the fancy of that society, at a never-ending cost of lives. Reason and reality are the only means to just laws; mindless wishes, if given sovereignty, become deadly masters.

"Surrendering reason to faith in these men sanctions their use of force to enslave you--to murder you. You have the power to decide how you will live your life. These mean little men up here are but cockroaches, if you say they are. They have no power to control you but that which you grant them!"

Richard pointed with the sledgehammer back at the statue. "This is life. Your life. To live as you choose."



It's time to give passion towards the life that we have. We only get one life. It's time to start living the way you've always wanted--stop letting others enslave you to their selfish wants and desires. This life was given to YOU. It's time you start living it for you.

dear "friends"

Kay seriously people?? What is everybody's problem? Stop fucking making stupid assumptions. I hate this about all of you. First of all, stop fucking being mad at Jake. Because I was the one who instigated us making out. Yeah. Me. ME ME ME, I I I. I started it. I wanted to kiss him. So stop assuming that Jake is at fault. Sure, neither of us should have allowed it to happen because of all the fucking drama that could and HAS ensued, and sure, Jake should have and DID consider everyone's feelings about the matter-we talked about it- but it was not his fucking fault that all of you now have a problem with him. You instead should direct all of your stupid problems at me. Yes ME. Because I was the one that pushed him into it. But even then, none of this would have been a problem if certain people didn't stalk my fucking life! It's a private blog, THANKS for leaving it as such... jesus. I try not to be the cause of drama with you people because it's always such a HUGE fucking problem! Nobody ever benefits from you talking behind each other's backs and posting cryptic updates on your stupid online friend sites. Sure I'm being a huge fucking hypocrite right now but this was the only way I could get it all out to you at the same time without texting each of you or something equally as fucking stupid. God, technology sucks. If you fucking ever have any problem with me in future you better just say it to my face. I'm fucking sick of it.

Second of all, yes, I AM hanging out with matt again. No, I do not have any intention of dating him again. Thank you for making your stupid assumptions and thinking that without asking me what my true intentions are. I wish the rest of you could find in your hearts to forgive those who make mistakes like he did. Like Jake has. Like I have. We all fucking make mistakes.

Thanks for tuning in people. Now fucking grow up already...

Hah I feel like the world's biggest hypocrite right now. Oh wait. I AM.

i choose life

"What you had to say to Harold about using your mind, about reason, was very wise, Kahlan. You were right."

Her fingers touched the butter smooth walnut robes of Spirit. "It was what Richard said, when he was telling me what he had finally come to understand about what he had to do. He said the only sovereign he could allow to rule him was reason."

"Richard said that? Those were his very words?"

Kahlan nodded as she gazed at Spirit. "He said the first law of reason is that what exists, exists; what is, is, and that from this irreducible, bedrock principle, all knowledge is built. He said that was the foundation from which life is embraced.

"He said thinking is a choice, and that wishes and whims are not facts, nor are they a means to discover them. I guess Harold proved that point. Richard said reason is our only way of grasping reality--that it's our basic tool of survival. We are free to evade the effort of thinking-- to reject reason-- but we are not free to avoid the penalty of the abyss we refuse to see."

She listened to the fire crackling at her feet as she let her gaze wander over the lines of the figure he had carved for her. When she heard nothing from Zedd, she looked over her shoulder. He was staring into the flames, a tear running down his cheek.

"Zedd, what's wrong?"

"The boy figured it out himself." The old wizard's voice was the uneasy sum of loneliness and quiet pride. "He understands it-- he interpreted it perfectly. He even came to it on his own, by applying it."

"Came to what?"

"The most important rule there is, the Wizard's Sixth Rule: the only sovereign you can allow to rule you is reason."

Reflections of the firelight danced in his hazel eyes. "The Sixth Rule is the hub upon which all rules turn. It is not only the most important rule, but the simplest. Nonetheless, it is the one most often ignored and violated, and by far the most despised. It must be wielded in spite of the ceaseless, howling protests of the wicked.

"Misery, iniquity, and utter destruction lurk in the shadows outside its full light, where half-truths snare the faithful disciples, the deeply feeling believers, the selfless followers.

"Faith and feelings are the warm marrow of evil. Unlike reason, faith and feelings provide no boundary to limit any delusion, any whim. They are a virulent poison, giving the numbing illusion of moral sanction to every depravity ever hatched.

"Faith and feelings are the darkness to reason's light.

"Reason is the very substance of truth itself. The glory that is life is wholly embraced through reason, through this rule. In rejecting reason, one embraces death."


I am glad I have my reason. But I am also glad I have my faith. For out of reason and truth, faith is born. When you come to the knowledge that the things you are learning are true through logic, only then will your faith in things not seen, but understood, grow. Through understanding comes reason; reason reveals truth; truth and reason create the base on which faith is built.

Slowly the learning takes place.

I revel in it.

my board and i

"What have you been up to?"

"Just got done longboarding."

"Wow Lisa, it's like you've become a fanatic lately."

And I have. It's the only thing that brings me peace anymore. I hate how hectic everybody is making life lately. Including myself. I feel like the worst person because I just haven't been able to forgive and forget for the past month. Everything is pissing me off. It's ridiculous. I'm ridiculous.

But this is why I longboard. I can forget about the chaos for the world for an hour or so. All I think about is the feeling of the wind in my face and the board under my feet. I can't get enough of it, enough of the peace. I wish I could just do it all day long, like Marci and her skateboarding.

But the world just isn't like that. Things are never that easy. And I hate it.

God must hate me

Bah this has been the slowest week ever.
I have never felt so worthless in my entire life. Or so poor.
I feel like I am just annoying everyone with everything I do.
I'm sorry for just walking in on you today Jake. I'm the worst friend.
I get the feeling that I am not entirely welcome in my own apartment.
But I guess that comes with the fact that I can't even pay rent this month.
I find that I can't bring myself to discuss my present situation and desires with even my closest friends.
I still love him and hate it when I have to hold myself back.
I am sorry if I am leading you on- I'm trying so hard not to.
I hate that I am a grouch when I get woke up from a nap.
I would have done it if you were not there. And I hate that I wanted to.
I want to smoke...
But even more I want to drink until I can't feel feelings anymore.
I don't like asking my parents for money when they are as broke as I am.
I wish I knew what I expected to find in life.
I'm glad I have awesome receptionists at work. I heart you Jenni. And I will come paint with you at any time Marisio. Thanks for trusting me.
I love the freedom I have working.
I appreciate my parents being honest with me these days.
I like having a place I can actually call a home.
I want to try everything new.
I want to go exploring and create new adventures.
I want to feel needed.
I want to be loved.
I want to take my tree with me.
...I want to find my place with God.

where is love

"What is something you're afraid of?"

A simple question. Easy enough to answer and yet complicated beyond anything you've known. He was looking for something manageable like, "I'm afraid of heights," or "the dark", or "crazy people", but the first thing that thrust itself out of the depths of my mind was love.

I am afraid of love. Or more accurately- I am afraid to love. Because my kind of effed up way of "loving" someone lately has made me realize that my subconscious mind doesn't want me to really love anyone as freely and fully as my heart wants to. I want to be free- truly I do: I want to be passionate and loving and honest and loyal with someone I could share my life with, because I hate being alone. I want to cuddle and kiss and hold hands with and sleep next to someone who will keep me safe and warm and who will love me back as openly as I love them.

But I can't.

I just can't.

...why? Now therein lies the complication. I was reading through my old writing notebook where I used to solidify all of my random confusion into words that finally made sense when they didn't in my head. I found one such entry way back from 2005 that still holds true to this day:

"...I just want to tell you everything and anything- let it all come out into the open until there's just nothing left to tell...

"But I can't. I can't, and I don't. All the secrets and the emotions and the longing just stay locked inside this heart of mine, and probly will until the end of time. I don't want it to be this way! For truly, I don't. But I've been so broken up so many times and for so long that any real attempt to let it out is shattered by the fear I hold in getting hurt time after time. And so it is that I'm trapped by my own fear."

...And I am. I fear being hurt and I fear hurting others. It's this strange irrationality that I can't seem to be able to overcome. But it's been this way for a while. I think this is why I have more acquaintances than close friends. It's like a quote I read a while back: "I went out to find a friend, and found none. I went out to be a friend, and found many." I'm just not that fond of being a friend to people because of my fear of hurting them... Man, I'm effed up.

But I think it will always be this way. I hate being emotionally hurt and therefore cannot find a way around my fear of putting others through the things I have been through. Things like trusting someone and then finding that your bond of trust has been broken. And then there is the fact that even when I realize that I am hurting someone anyway, I can't find a way to make myself stop except to rip them out of their position of love in my life...

So I guess this means I'm screwed. I've cursed myself to loneliness till the end of my days. I shall have to learn to love from a distance. Because I can't just stop loving, even if I tried:

"The question of love is one that cannot be evaded. Whether or not you claim to be interested in it, from the moment you are alive you are bound to be concerned with love, because love is not just something that happens to you: it is a certain special way of being alive. Love is, in fact, an intensification of life, a completeness, a fullness, a wholeness of life." -Thomas Merton-

forgive me

I wish I had a microphone in my head that would be able to put a voice to all the thoughts spinning around in this stupid head of mine. I think then and only then would you be able to understand the all the confusion coming out of my mouth... But then again, maybe not-- I'm probly too wacked in the head to make any sense to anyone anymore, not even to myself sometimes. I guess this blog will just have to do for now.

I keep asking why I had to break up with him, because all I've felt since I did is remorse- moral anguish arising from repentance for past misdeeds- and regret- a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction... I feel so lost, almost like I've lost my purpose in life, like I was so stuck in my daily routine with him that I have no idea what to do now that he's not here...

But my daily routine was wrong-- I hated that every time I was with him I had to pick and snipe (to make malicious, underhand remarks or attacks) at him when there was no real reason at all. I hated seeing myself tear him down and frustrate him and rip away his happiness... It just wasn't fair of me- he knew it and I knew it, and we both knew he didn't deserve it either. The only way I could make myself stop the senseless oppression was to break up with him- get myself away from him as much as I could and to get him out of the boyfriend role in my life so that he wouldn't have to put up with my silent abuse anymore.

It's been too long that I have put him through this stupidness of mine- I think it started back in March or April... 5 months of emotional terrorism is way way too much for anyone to go through when it seriously is not their fault. I tried to figure out why I was doing what I was doing-- Casey talked to me about it one night- he asked me what my problem was and I just couldn't think exactly what was bothering me about him, about anything... It seriously was like I started pms-ing and never stopped because I was always angry about everything, not necessarily about him in particular.

I remember the day it started though. We were driving back from seeing The Closer in Cedar City, and I just didn't want to be around him, I didn't want to hold his hand, I didn't want to talk to him for the whole 4 hour drive back... and I remember that I was angry at Matt. Or I hadn't talked to Matt for a while. Or something like that. But it had to do with Matt that I didn't want to face being with Casey. And once I remembered that fact, everything snapped together in my head. It was because of Matt that I was torturing Casey.

Now let me explain here before you jump to the conclusion that I am just blaming Matt because he is there to push the blame onto away from myself. Kay. So from the time we broke up in March '08 til Casey jumped into my life in June, me and Matt were in a strange relationship. We would hang out and be cool with each other and fuck one day, and then the second I wanted to hang out with other boys such as Jake, Casey, Kendall, etc. or even other friends like Jessy or Marci, we would yell at each other on the phone and text fight for hours and I was just never happy at all.

Well the fact that Matt and I were still fuck buddies was a problem when I wanted to start dating other people. Because Matt was still attached to me in a relationship type of way. So when I told him that I was dating Casey, he wasn't pleased at all. After that for months all we did was fight. Fight fight fight. Fight. Fight. ...Fight. Day and night we fought. All the time. Constantly. And even those few hours when I wasn't text fighting him, I would think about the things I would say to get back at him the next time we text fought. It was a vicious cycle.

And then Matt ran away.

I didn't have anyone to fight with anymore. He left his phone and all I could do was wait for him to call me to find out where he was and decide whether I should call the cops on him and turn him in or not. Don't get me wrong now though-- I worried a lot whether he would be okay. But the calls got fewer and farther apart and I wondered how he was doing and what he would do with his life when it all fell apart... The last time I saw him was on his birthday in April. The next and last time I talked to him was the middle of May. I was supposed to hang out with him but I ditched to give Jake's parents massages. And then he was gone. There was no one left to fight with, no one to take my anger out on, no one to make me feel insignificant so I could hate them back. It gradually started building up after the day he ran away.

I'm not the fighting type usually. I try to avoid conflicts like the plague. But when fights find you and they are such a constant in your life for so long, you just don't know what to do with all that frustration and emotion that has been flowing out of you and now has nowhere to go when the releasing of it has run away...

I didn't notice it because it had such a gradual start, but not long after Matt ran away did I start my unspoken torment toward Casey. The middle of May it suddenly became more apparent. But I just couldn't explain why it was that I was acting that way. It really did start with my pms that month though and then just never stopped. I was angry at everyone and everything. And then it narrowed itself down to just Casey.

I can't tell you how sorry I am for everything I put you through... You have been the best thing that has happened to me in years. You helped me find happiness in love when I assumed there was no more to be found. You showed me just how wonderful the world really is when you don't have any more reasons to be afraid to love. You saved me from my fear and hate of love and physical passion. ...and then I just threw it all away because of my stupidity. I threw it all away when I didn't stop talking to him like you told me I should. I threw it all away because I felt like I had to take out my anger on the person closest to me because that is what I had been doing for years, not just months.

And now that there is no one in the abused boyfriend role in my life, I have no one to hate but myself. No one to abuse but me. It was all my fault. My fault I let our passion die. My fault we didn't have longer and more meaningful kisses. My fault we didn't share more adventures and help each other through the toughest trials. My fault that you'll hate me and my memory. My fault that you might possibly have problems in future relationships... My fault I didn't love you more thoroughly and completely. My fault that each of us are now alone and confused. My fault I am afraid to date anymore because of this monster that I discovered. My fault that I will be alone, driven insane by this fruitless guilt and sorrow I now will be burdened with for life, all because I couldn't choose to rise above and be happy...

I am ashamed of me sometimes. Ashamed that there is more of my stupidity to admit. Ashamed of the fact that if I do admit it to everyone involved in this stupidity in my head, all that will result will be more hate and loss of friendships... I feel that the only way for me to stay sane is to just run away from here, take the confusion I create and drag it away from these great friends and family I have tortured for so long. It's the only way I can see to make things right in the long run...


"Gravity" Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

But you're on to me, on to me, and all over me...

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.


Casey posted this two days before I broke up with him. I'm so sorry hun for making you feel like this, and I understand that I was the worst thing in the world for you these last few months... Just please forgive me and I beg you don't ever treat anyone else like the way I've treated you, just promise me that, please... Hopefully I've finally set you free

on my slow days, I sit and watch my clothes wash

I sat on my floor listening to my dishwasher wash my dishes while eating the cold leftovers from tonight's dinner. It made me think...

What is the life of a dishwasher?

We go to the store and buy it, brand new, when the old one dies and quits working. We bring it home, install it, read the instruction book and treat it like gold because it's the newest thing in the house; it's quiet, it's efficient, and the dishes come out looking brand new too.

All it does is wash dishes. Over and over. Day after day. Why then does it break down? It was only doing what we told it to do, what it was made to do. So we send it to the repair shop and get it fixed, repaired, retrained to again wash more and more dishes in its quiet efficient way. It comes back nearly as good as new.

So we continue to use it. Again and again, day after day, year after year, it washes the dishes it was made to wash, until that final day when it washes its last dish and doesn't turn on to be quiet and efficient anymore. This is the day when the once brand new dishwasher becomes the old one that dies and needs replacing.

It's the same with any appliance when you think about it. The old one dies, we buy a brand new one, we wear it out, we throw it away and buy a new one to replace it.

Too bad that our human bodies are not the same.
We only get one shot with the body we've got.

We can't go and buy new pieces and parts when our originals get tired and strained and weak and broken. It's too bad I can't replace what I've broken and cut and torn and fried and ruined in all my stupid days and late nights and emotional breakdowns....

But we learn to live with what we still have.
We must take care of ourselves
If we wish to continue to live life
To the best of our abilities.

We must up keep our bodies
If we wish to keep up with our dreams.

my turn to shine

It's like you're a drug dreading to see you everyday

It's like you're a demon I can't face down too afraid of what might happen

It's like I'm stuck I can't seem to escape you in my life

It's like I'm running from you all the time you always seem to be everywhere

And I know I let you have all the power worst mistake of our lives

It's like the only company I seek is misery all around trying to change

It's like you're a leech sucking everything good out of the things I try to do

Sucking the life from me time seems to go backward

It's like I can't breathe like I'm reliving the nightmare of our past

Without you inside of me I want you out, out of my head and my sorry heart

And I know I let you have all the power why did you have to abuse us

And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time it wont stop hurting, everything you said, all the promises you made, all the dreams we had together- I've tried to forget but the wound pierced deep into my very soul

It's like I can't breathe my heart stops just remembering

It's like I can't see anything your face is always in my head

Nothing but you I want anything but you

I'm addicted to you I miss your kisses...

It's like I can't think so many emotions clouding my mind!

Without you interrupting me everything has to remind me of you

In my thoughts wasted years

In my dreams sleepless nights

You've taken over me please let me go

It's like I'm not me I just want to be free

It's like I'm not me let me be me for once

It's like I'm lost I don't know where to go

It's like I'm giving up slowly don't know what to do

It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me just around every corner

Leave me alone GET OUT OF MY LIFE

And I know these voices in my head constant confusion

Are mine alone but they started with you

And I know I'll never change my ways just afraid to

If I don't give you up now I want to be rid of all the bad

It's like I can't breathe

It's like I can't see anything

Nothing but you

I'm addicted to you

It's like I can't think

Without you interrupting me

In my thoughts

In my dreams

You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you I need to see you just one more time

I need a fix I'll be fine I promise

I can't take it just this last time and that's it

Just one more hit just one more kiss

I promise I can deal with it save me, somebody

I'll handle it, quit it I need to break the habit

Just one more time no I don't need you

Then that's it I'm only confusing myself now

Just a little bit more to get me through this please stop

I'm hooked on you

I need a fix

I can't take it

Just one more hit

I promise I can deal with it

I'll handle it, quit it

Just one more time

Then that's it

Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe this shit is so overwhelming

It's like I can't see anything the haze is so thick

Nothing but you I'm breaking away from your gaze

I'm addicted to you I can't take the torture anymore

It's like I can't think get the fuck out of my head

Without you interrupting me will you never learn?

In my thoughts I will be myself

In my dreams you won't be here forever

You've taken over me and now you're gone

It's like I'm not me I finally have my space

It's like I'm not me get out goodbye...

Ugh why the hell are you still in my life?? Why is it how you can still care about someone who treated you so badly while you were with them? I want his torturing me to be over and done with. I want him out of my head-- I don't want to think about him, worry about him, or hate him anymore... I want to be able to move on with my life...

I feel ridiculous for even saying it still- how much I'm not over him. Ridiculous because it's almost been a year since I broke up with him, almost that long since I stopped fooling around with him (yes, I was fucking dumb...), and most of all because I've been dating someone else for 9 months now... Ugh I feel so stupid! Plus I told Casey that I never had the chance or the time to get over Matt and now I think he feels obligated to help me get over him but nothing he will do could ever help... And I don't want things to get bad for us ugh.

Things are so frustrating sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore... I'm tired of being attached to Matt still. He needs to stop being so stupid. He needs to stop contacting me-- I'm so tired of worrying about him and talking to him and listening to his stupid complaining about how hard his life is and how muc money he is making and losing with all his drugs and what drugs he's doing and how much he misses me and won't get over me and how lonely he is and I'm fucking tired of his stupid cries for pity from me-- I just can't do it anymore! He's exhausting my mind and therefore my body because I can't sleep because I worry and/or he texts me and keeps me up late...

I'm so done. I think I'm just going to stop texting him back. It's done and over- I need to move on with my life and find a place where I can be and do anything I want- I want tojust be alone for a while where all I have to do is take care of myself and not worry about anything or anybody for a time-- I've finally realized that this is my chance to be selfish. Aaaand I think I'm going to take it...

Nobody should live their life

Doing only what is good

For everyone else.

It's good to care for those you love,

But you can't stop caring for yourself.

Everyone needs to be selfish

In order to really live-

Take the time to chase your own dreams;

Why else would we be here?

friends are God's way of apologizing for family

GAH!! I am so frustrated right now!

So my sister is/was/still might be planning her boyfriend's birthday party at my house this weekend. Well, really in my garage this weekend. She was going to have friends come over and "clean it out" tomorrow morning slash afternoon so they would have a space to party. Then she sends me this text that says: "Hey everyone... The party is off.. My parents dont want me to do it at my house cause they are ass holes and yeah...Sorry if it got your hopes up..."

Kay, first of all, I HATE HATE HAAAATE it when I get a mass text from ANYONE, even if it is my own sister. Second of all, she takes her loathing of my parents WAY too far. I know they can be rather bitchy sometimes, but it IS their house and plus my sister's idea of "cleaning" anything out is just moving all the junk to another area of the room. Or house. Or yard. Space. Wherever things were before, if she decides to "clean" them, they just get moved to somewhere that they are never found again, OORRR they are now in a place that is in everyone's way- besides hers.

Next, because she wants to get her boything a massage from me for his birthday (cuz i told her it wouldn't cost anything), she pesters me about when I can do it and when I have to go to work that day (cuz I do need money for working, and giving her boyfriend a free birthday massage would not exactly accomplish my goals in life) and can't you just wait till he gets off work at 230, and then she tells me I should just trade my days off and get Friday off instead (cuz that's the day of his birthday and before mentioned possible "party")--

Okay it's one thing for me to give your boyfriend a massage for free, but it's another thing for you to treat me like your bitch and assume that my agreeing to do it revolves around your schedule...

Then, I get home and of course I know attitudes are really tight because of the texts my sister was sending around, and my dad comes out and says to me, "Marci's really mad at us; she's been banging on the walls for the last couple of hours..." We then discuss how he doesn't want to have her clean out the garage for the party (for reasons previously mentioned), and how he doesn't think she should be able to have one at all because he got a call from her school that said she hadn't been to school for two weeks (which I would have to agree with my dad because she complains all the time about how she doesn't like school and how she would do so much better at it if my parents would give her more praise instead of their regular incredulous amounts of criticism (even though she could do anything she wanted if she only dedicated herself to it like she does to myspace or limewire)... So I told my dad that maybe she all she needed was just a little bit of encouragement, wherein he proceeded to tell me that my mom wanted to help her get a packet done once, so my mom did all the busy work on the packet and tried to teach my sister what was in the packet so she would pass the test, buuuut my sister just blew her off and wouldn't accept my mom's help... (which made me just agree more with my dad but more frustrated at him because I know he's not going to do a thing about trying to encourage her or help her with anything because my dad's been being a hypocrititcal bastard toward her lately with just everything she says cuz she works at the same place he does and it's just another huge big fucking mess that I could go on for days about but I won't because just typing this about it right now is making me angry at my stupid fucking family))........

Aaaannyways, so while I'm talking to my dad I get this text from my sister: "So now my mom is kissin my ass... The party might still be on so sorry plans keep changing... Im pretty sure its a yes but my dad is hard to crack"

I wanted to show him. I wanted to show him what a DICK my sister is being! God she is PISSING ME OFF!! In fact, I am just going to forward it to my dad anyways. I am doing it riiiiiight noooowww.... okay no I'm not. God I just don't know what to do. I want my dad to know what she is doing because she is walking all over them and has been for as long as I can remember. But I know that if she doesn't get to throw her party this weekend and my dad punishes her like he fucking should have started to forever ago and actually crack down on her so she can't slip through any holes, she's just gonna have the world's biggest bitchfit and whine and cry and threaten to run away and not come home for a night or two until my parents beg her enough to come home that they'll make some stupid agreement that they'll let her do whatever if she only does this and that and this but she'll never do it so they always get the worst end of it but she'll never stop bitching about whatever new things they asked her to do that she's not doing anyways!! Jesus Christ I fucking hate this household! No wonder why I hate being at home and have for a long time....

But it also makes me wonder what I myself must have been like during my whole high school rebellion... Was I as bitchy and dickish as my sister? Did I cause my parents this same amount of trouble and whorish grief?? Were my reasons as pathetic as my sister's? Did I ever make my siblings not want to be around me or do anything for me? Did my actions incite feelings of hate or betrayal in my closest friends and those I loved?

It makes me look back and appreciate how far I've come.
I'm glad I pulled myself together enough to graduate high school. And college for that matter.
I'm glad I have a decent paying job in a career field that I've learned to love.
I'm glad I've come back to good terms with my parents again and that (I think...) I'm still bearable enough to have not gotten myself kicked out of their house.
I'm glad for the cosy bed and clean sheets I have to sleep in.
I'm glad I have food to eat and water to drink.
I'm glad my parents have kept me on their insurance this long...fucking accidents and my stupid overconfidence in my driving skills....bah! I sure learned my lesson. (Thank God for Jessy always reminding me to put on my seatbelt!)
I'm glad I have good friends who remind me to put on my seatbelt teehee! And who also have humble abodes to where I can escape the insanity of my house... (Thank you for being there for me so often. You really have no idea how much I love you...)

I'm just glad that I have what I have.
I'm glad I have you.
And yes, I do have things I could complain all day about.
We all do.
Yes, so do you.
But what are you more interested in--
Being appreciative of what you have,
OR complaining about what bugs?

...What are you glad for?