"What is something you're afraid of?"
A simple question. Easy enough to answer and yet complicated beyond anything you've known. He was looking for something manageable like, "I'm afraid of heights," or "the dark", or "crazy people", but the first thing that thrust itself out of the depths of my mind was love.
I am afraid of love. Or more accurately- I am afraid to love. Because my kind of effed up way of "loving" someone lately has made me realize that my subconscious mind doesn't want me to really love anyone as freely and fully as my heart wants to. I want to be free- truly I do: I want to be passionate and loving and honest and loyal with someone I could share my life with, because I hate being alone. I want to cuddle and kiss and hold hands with and sleep next to someone who will keep me safe and warm and who will love me back as openly as I love them.
But I can't.
I just can't.
...why? Now therein lies the complication. I was reading through my old writing notebook where I used to solidify all of my random confusion into words that finally made sense when they didn't in my head. I found one such entry way back from 2005 that still holds true to this day:
"...I just want to tell you everything and anything- let it all come out into the open until there's just nothing left to tell...
"But I can't. I can't, and I don't. All the secrets and the emotions and the longing just stay locked inside this heart of mine, and probly will until the end of time. I don't want it to be this way! For truly, I don't. But I've been so broken up so many times and for so long that any real attempt to let it out is shattered by the fear I hold in getting hurt time after time. And so it is that I'm trapped by my own fear."
...And I am. I fear being hurt and I fear hurting others. It's this strange irrationality that I can't seem to be able to overcome. But it's been this way for a while. I think this is why I have more acquaintances than close friends. It's like a quote I read a while back: "I went out to find a friend, and found none. I went out to be a friend, and found many." I'm just not that fond of being a friend to people because of my fear of hurting them... Man, I'm effed up.
But I think it will always be this way. I hate being emotionally hurt and therefore cannot find a way around my fear of putting others through the things I have been through. Things like trusting someone and then finding that your bond of trust has been broken. And then there is the fact that even when I realize that I am hurting someone anyway, I can't find a way to make myself stop except to rip them out of their position of love in my life...
So I guess this means I'm screwed. I've cursed myself to loneliness till the end of my days. I shall have to learn to love from a distance. Because I can't just stop loving, even if I tried:
"The question of love is one that cannot be evaded. Whether or not you claim to be interested in it, from the moment you are alive you are bound to be concerned with love, because love is not just something that happens to you: it is a certain special way of being alive. Love is, in fact, an intensification of life, a completeness, a fullness, a wholeness of life." -Thomas Merton-
The New PostSecret Book
11 years ago
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Split Jaw Australian
By Bob Bekins
November 2013
Eli never knew what hit him. He was a beach dog. An Australian Split Jaw Shepherd to be more precise. As it came around the corner the truck and Eli tried to occupy the same space at one moment. His head went under the wheel and he should have been dead right there.
Thing is, his owner Frank was just finishing a Beach Boy Bible study and saw the whole thing. Every Friday morning for eleven years, rain or shine these men gathered. Every month who they were changed. And they changed for the better. More loving, more charitable, better able to share the joys and sorrows of life with each other. Had you asked them individually they would have each said that a year ago, or five or ten, they would not have made it through without their BBBBrothers.
Today it was Eli’s turn. They rushed to his side. The truck driver was profoundly sorry and of absolutely no help at all. Brother Art was there and his healing hands did the trick. He tied up Eli’s little head with a beach towel and stabilized the injury. The men prayed over the dog and he and Frank headed to the vet.
Miraculously he had suffered only a dislocated jaw and the VetDoc snapped it back into place. Art’s healing touch
“Breathe into this little friend of man the breath of life Lord,” Art had prayed.
Ezekiel 37:5 Thus saith the Lord GOD unto these bones: Behold, I will cause breath to enter into you, and ye shall live. And 37:10 So I prophesied as He commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived, and stood up upon their feet . . .
Most people go through each week without a kindness being shown to them. When you can simply use the breath in your lungs to activate your vocal cords you are giving your breath to them. You are breathing life into them.
When you are stopped in life, waiting at the barber shop, in line at the bank, instead of checking your email, just call someone with whom you have not chatted for a long while. They will be amazed that you cared. And the people who will be listening to you out of their boredom standing in line next to you, will hear you say, “I haven’t called in a long while.” And “God Bless you old friend.” And they too will be inspired.
If you have just 92 people in your Contact list and call one a day, that would give them a lift four times a year. Sometimes that is all that they need to make it through. And if you feel a little foolish calling someone you haven’t spoken to in a long while – the impact will be even greater. And if it is a complete dud, hey they didn’t remember you so why worry over it because they still won’t remember who you are. One of my favorite t-shirts said, “:I’m a fool for Jesus. Whose fool are you?”
“I went out to find a friend and found none. I went out to be a friend and found many.” Anonymous.
Author note: As with all of Bob's work you may feel free to share it with anyone you wish. The article is attached for your convenience in doing so. Some of his books may be found on Amazon Kindle under author: A Guy Named Bob and as ebooks at AGuyNamedBob.com
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