how does it feel to be different from me

Don't you see how much it hurts?

You're killing me.
You're killing all of us.
All of our hopes and dreams and desires-
Everything each of us has ever wanted,
Has ever accomplished,
Ever dreamed
Or succeeded at-
And you have to shoot us down,
Demean us,
Make us feel like nothing we have ever done
Or ever could do
Would be enough for you,
Enough to make you proud of us
For once in either of our lives.
How can you say that you love us
If you can't even say
That we have ever made you proud?
As parents, I would think
That that would be key...
I guess I'm wrong.

Why can't you, just once,
Show some empathy, sympathy, support, loyalty;
Something other than just apathy, contempt, disdain...

I'm so tired of feeling
Like this house is not a home.
I want to just go home,
But I haven't found it yet...
After 20 years,
You would think that place would be obvious...
But it's just not.
It hasn't been for years.
...years.
Years you've been too busy,
Too pessimistic
Too scornful
To help us fulfill our dreams-
Our dreams that are slowly being crushed
Forgotten
Altered
Diminished
All because you don't "approve"
Thinking the decisions we are making
To follow the shining lights
We see on our horizons
Won't get us where you want us to be...

Why can't you see
That every time you suppress us
Belittle us
Deprecate us
Criticize us
We lose a little more self confidence,
A little more hope,
A little more love of life,
A little more drive
To accomplish anything,
And feel like nothing we do for you
Will ever be worth it to anyone
Including ourselves...

How can you expect us
To do what you want
Be what you want us to be
When even though we try
To do everything you say
You still push us back down,
Talk about us behind our backs,
Don't encourage our efforts,
Disapprove of our progress,
And won't congratulate our successes,
However great or small each is or isn't??

I can't take it anymore.
I CAN'T.
I'm dying inside
Because of you.

I want you to read this
I want you to see my pain
See these tears
Know that you are the cause-
The reason none of us try,
Why we're distancing ourselves
From you-
Because your intentions for us
Emotionally distress us...

Is it sad that I know
That even if you ever read this
Nothing will change?
You never listen.
You're always right,
Never wrong.
I've told you before
And according to you
I was wrong.

Thanks
For believing in us.
For believing in me...
Thanks
For nothing.

faith of the fallen

"You are ruled," Richard said in a voice that rang out over the multitude, "by mean little men."

The people gasped as one. To speak against a brother was treason, most likely, and heresy for sure.

"My crime?" Richard asked aloud. "I have given you something beautiful to see [in this statue], daring to hold the conviction that you have a right to see it if you wish. Worse . . . I have said that your lives are your own to live."

A rolling murmer swept out through the multitude. Richard's voice rose in power, demading in its clarity to be heard above the whispering.

"Evil is not one large entity, but a collection of countless, small depravities brought up from the muck by petty men. Living under the Order, you have traded the enrichment of vision for a gray fog of mediocrity--the fertile inspiration of striving and growth, for mindless stagnation and slow decay--the brave new ground of the attempt, for the timid quagmire of apathy."

With gazes riveted and lips still, the crowd listened. Richard gestured out over their heads with his sledgehammer, wielded with the effortless grace of a royal sword.

"You have traded freedom not even for a bowl of soup, but worse, for the spoken empty feelings of others who say that you deserve to have a full bowl of soup provided by someone else.

"Happiness, joy, accomplishment . . . are not finite commodities, to be divided up. Is a child's laughter to be divided up and allotted? No! Simply make more laughter!"

Laughter, pleased laughter, rippled through the crowd.

Brother Narev's scowl grew. "We've heard enough of your extremist rambling! Destroy your profane statue. Now."

Richard cocked his head. "Oh? The collective assembly of the Order, and of brothers, fears to hear what one insignificant man could say? You fear mere words that much, Brother Narev?"

Dark eyes stole a quick glance at the crowd as they leaned forward, eager to hear his answer.

"We fear no words. Virtue is on our side, and we will prevail. Speak your blasphemy, so all may understand why moral people will side against you."

Richard smiled out at the people, but he spoke with brutal honesty.

"Every person's life is theirs by right. An individual's life can and must belong only to himself, not to any society or community, or he is then but a slave. No one can deny another person their right to their life, nor seize by force what is produced by someone else, because that is stealing their means to sustain their life. It is treason against mankind to hold a knife to a man's throat and dictate how he must live his life. No society can be more important than the individuals who compose it, or else you ascribe supreme importance, not to man, but to any notion that strikes the fancy of that society, at a never-ending cost of lives. Reason and reality are the only means to just laws; mindless wishes, if given sovereignty, become deadly masters.

"Surrendering reason to faith in these men sanctions their use of force to enslave you--to murder you. You have the power to decide how you will live your life. These mean little men up here are but cockroaches, if you say they are. They have no power to control you but that which you grant them!"

Richard pointed with the sledgehammer back at the statue. "This is life. Your life. To live as you choose."



It's time to give passion towards the life that we have. We only get one life. It's time to start living the way you've always wanted--stop letting others enslave you to their selfish wants and desires. This life was given to YOU. It's time you start living it for you.

dear "friends"

Kay seriously people?? What is everybody's problem? Stop fucking making stupid assumptions. I hate this about all of you. First of all, stop fucking being mad at Jake. Because I was the one who instigated us making out. Yeah. Me. ME ME ME, I I I. I started it. I wanted to kiss him. So stop assuming that Jake is at fault. Sure, neither of us should have allowed it to happen because of all the fucking drama that could and HAS ensued, and sure, Jake should have and DID consider everyone's feelings about the matter-we talked about it- but it was not his fucking fault that all of you now have a problem with him. You instead should direct all of your stupid problems at me. Yes ME. Because I was the one that pushed him into it. But even then, none of this would have been a problem if certain people didn't stalk my fucking life! It's a private blog, THANKS for leaving it as such... jesus. I try not to be the cause of drama with you people because it's always such a HUGE fucking problem! Nobody ever benefits from you talking behind each other's backs and posting cryptic updates on your stupid online friend sites. Sure I'm being a huge fucking hypocrite right now but this was the only way I could get it all out to you at the same time without texting each of you or something equally as fucking stupid. God, technology sucks. If you fucking ever have any problem with me in future you better just say it to my face. I'm fucking sick of it.

Second of all, yes, I AM hanging out with matt again. No, I do not have any intention of dating him again. Thank you for making your stupid assumptions and thinking that without asking me what my true intentions are. I wish the rest of you could find in your hearts to forgive those who make mistakes like he did. Like Jake has. Like I have. We all fucking make mistakes.

Thanks for tuning in people. Now fucking grow up already...

Hah I feel like the world's biggest hypocrite right now. Oh wait. I AM.

i choose life

"What you had to say to Harold about using your mind, about reason, was very wise, Kahlan. You were right."

Her fingers touched the butter smooth walnut robes of Spirit. "It was what Richard said, when he was telling me what he had finally come to understand about what he had to do. He said the only sovereign he could allow to rule him was reason."

"Richard said that? Those were his very words?"

Kahlan nodded as she gazed at Spirit. "He said the first law of reason is that what exists, exists; what is, is, and that from this irreducible, bedrock principle, all knowledge is built. He said that was the foundation from which life is embraced.

"He said thinking is a choice, and that wishes and whims are not facts, nor are they a means to discover them. I guess Harold proved that point. Richard said reason is our only way of grasping reality--that it's our basic tool of survival. We are free to evade the effort of thinking-- to reject reason-- but we are not free to avoid the penalty of the abyss we refuse to see."

She listened to the fire crackling at her feet as she let her gaze wander over the lines of the figure he had carved for her. When she heard nothing from Zedd, she looked over her shoulder. He was staring into the flames, a tear running down his cheek.

"Zedd, what's wrong?"

"The boy figured it out himself." The old wizard's voice was the uneasy sum of loneliness and quiet pride. "He understands it-- he interpreted it perfectly. He even came to it on his own, by applying it."

"Came to what?"

"The most important rule there is, the Wizard's Sixth Rule: the only sovereign you can allow to rule you is reason."

Reflections of the firelight danced in his hazel eyes. "The Sixth Rule is the hub upon which all rules turn. It is not only the most important rule, but the simplest. Nonetheless, it is the one most often ignored and violated, and by far the most despised. It must be wielded in spite of the ceaseless, howling protests of the wicked.

"Misery, iniquity, and utter destruction lurk in the shadows outside its full light, where half-truths snare the faithful disciples, the deeply feeling believers, the selfless followers.

"Faith and feelings are the warm marrow of evil. Unlike reason, faith and feelings provide no boundary to limit any delusion, any whim. They are a virulent poison, giving the numbing illusion of moral sanction to every depravity ever hatched.

"Faith and feelings are the darkness to reason's light.

"Reason is the very substance of truth itself. The glory that is life is wholly embraced through reason, through this rule. In rejecting reason, one embraces death."


I am glad I have my reason. But I am also glad I have my faith. For out of reason and truth, faith is born. When you come to the knowledge that the things you are learning are true through logic, only then will your faith in things not seen, but understood, grow. Through understanding comes reason; reason reveals truth; truth and reason create the base on which faith is built.

Slowly the learning takes place.

I revel in it.