where is love

"What is something you're afraid of?"

A simple question. Easy enough to answer and yet complicated beyond anything you've known. He was looking for something manageable like, "I'm afraid of heights," or "the dark", or "crazy people", but the first thing that thrust itself out of the depths of my mind was love.

I am afraid of love. Or more accurately- I am afraid to love. Because my kind of effed up way of "loving" someone lately has made me realize that my subconscious mind doesn't want me to really love anyone as freely and fully as my heart wants to. I want to be free- truly I do: I want to be passionate and loving and honest and loyal with someone I could share my life with, because I hate being alone. I want to cuddle and kiss and hold hands with and sleep next to someone who will keep me safe and warm and who will love me back as openly as I love them.

But I can't.

I just can't.

...why? Now therein lies the complication. I was reading through my old writing notebook where I used to solidify all of my random confusion into words that finally made sense when they didn't in my head. I found one such entry way back from 2005 that still holds true to this day:

"...I just want to tell you everything and anything- let it all come out into the open until there's just nothing left to tell...

"But I can't. I can't, and I don't. All the secrets and the emotions and the longing just stay locked inside this heart of mine, and probly will until the end of time. I don't want it to be this way! For truly, I don't. But I've been so broken up so many times and for so long that any real attempt to let it out is shattered by the fear I hold in getting hurt time after time. And so it is that I'm trapped by my own fear."

...And I am. I fear being hurt and I fear hurting others. It's this strange irrationality that I can't seem to be able to overcome. But it's been this way for a while. I think this is why I have more acquaintances than close friends. It's like a quote I read a while back: "I went out to find a friend, and found none. I went out to be a friend, and found many." I'm just not that fond of being a friend to people because of my fear of hurting them... Man, I'm effed up.

But I think it will always be this way. I hate being emotionally hurt and therefore cannot find a way around my fear of putting others through the things I have been through. Things like trusting someone and then finding that your bond of trust has been broken. And then there is the fact that even when I realize that I am hurting someone anyway, I can't find a way to make myself stop except to rip them out of their position of love in my life...

So I guess this means I'm screwed. I've cursed myself to loneliness till the end of my days. I shall have to learn to love from a distance. Because I can't just stop loving, even if I tried:

"The question of love is one that cannot be evaded. Whether or not you claim to be interested in it, from the moment you are alive you are bound to be concerned with love, because love is not just something that happens to you: it is a certain special way of being alive. Love is, in fact, an intensification of life, a completeness, a fullness, a wholeness of life." -Thomas Merton-

forgive me

I wish I had a microphone in my head that would be able to put a voice to all the thoughts spinning around in this stupid head of mine. I think then and only then would you be able to understand the all the confusion coming out of my mouth... But then again, maybe not-- I'm probly too wacked in the head to make any sense to anyone anymore, not even to myself sometimes. I guess this blog will just have to do for now.

I keep asking why I had to break up with him, because all I've felt since I did is remorse- moral anguish arising from repentance for past misdeeds- and regret- a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction... I feel so lost, almost like I've lost my purpose in life, like I was so stuck in my daily routine with him that I have no idea what to do now that he's not here...

But my daily routine was wrong-- I hated that every time I was with him I had to pick and snipe (to make malicious, underhand remarks or attacks) at him when there was no real reason at all. I hated seeing myself tear him down and frustrate him and rip away his happiness... It just wasn't fair of me- he knew it and I knew it, and we both knew he didn't deserve it either. The only way I could make myself stop the senseless oppression was to break up with him- get myself away from him as much as I could and to get him out of the boyfriend role in my life so that he wouldn't have to put up with my silent abuse anymore.

It's been too long that I have put him through this stupidness of mine- I think it started back in March or April... 5 months of emotional terrorism is way way too much for anyone to go through when it seriously is not their fault. I tried to figure out why I was doing what I was doing-- Casey talked to me about it one night- he asked me what my problem was and I just couldn't think exactly what was bothering me about him, about anything... It seriously was like I started pms-ing and never stopped because I was always angry about everything, not necessarily about him in particular.

I remember the day it started though. We were driving back from seeing The Closer in Cedar City, and I just didn't want to be around him, I didn't want to hold his hand, I didn't want to talk to him for the whole 4 hour drive back... and I remember that I was angry at Matt. Or I hadn't talked to Matt for a while. Or something like that. But it had to do with Matt that I didn't want to face being with Casey. And once I remembered that fact, everything snapped together in my head. It was because of Matt that I was torturing Casey.

Now let me explain here before you jump to the conclusion that I am just blaming Matt because he is there to push the blame onto away from myself. Kay. So from the time we broke up in March '08 til Casey jumped into my life in June, me and Matt were in a strange relationship. We would hang out and be cool with each other and fuck one day, and then the second I wanted to hang out with other boys such as Jake, Casey, Kendall, etc. or even other friends like Jessy or Marci, we would yell at each other on the phone and text fight for hours and I was just never happy at all.

Well the fact that Matt and I were still fuck buddies was a problem when I wanted to start dating other people. Because Matt was still attached to me in a relationship type of way. So when I told him that I was dating Casey, he wasn't pleased at all. After that for months all we did was fight. Fight fight fight. Fight. Fight. ...Fight. Day and night we fought. All the time. Constantly. And even those few hours when I wasn't text fighting him, I would think about the things I would say to get back at him the next time we text fought. It was a vicious cycle.

And then Matt ran away.

I didn't have anyone to fight with anymore. He left his phone and all I could do was wait for him to call me to find out where he was and decide whether I should call the cops on him and turn him in or not. Don't get me wrong now though-- I worried a lot whether he would be okay. But the calls got fewer and farther apart and I wondered how he was doing and what he would do with his life when it all fell apart... The last time I saw him was on his birthday in April. The next and last time I talked to him was the middle of May. I was supposed to hang out with him but I ditched to give Jake's parents massages. And then he was gone. There was no one left to fight with, no one to take my anger out on, no one to make me feel insignificant so I could hate them back. It gradually started building up after the day he ran away.

I'm not the fighting type usually. I try to avoid conflicts like the plague. But when fights find you and they are such a constant in your life for so long, you just don't know what to do with all that frustration and emotion that has been flowing out of you and now has nowhere to go when the releasing of it has run away...

I didn't notice it because it had such a gradual start, but not long after Matt ran away did I start my unspoken torment toward Casey. The middle of May it suddenly became more apparent. But I just couldn't explain why it was that I was acting that way. It really did start with my pms that month though and then just never stopped. I was angry at everyone and everything. And then it narrowed itself down to just Casey.

I can't tell you how sorry I am for everything I put you through... You have been the best thing that has happened to me in years. You helped me find happiness in love when I assumed there was no more to be found. You showed me just how wonderful the world really is when you don't have any more reasons to be afraid to love. You saved me from my fear and hate of love and physical passion. ...and then I just threw it all away because of my stupidity. I threw it all away when I didn't stop talking to him like you told me I should. I threw it all away because I felt like I had to take out my anger on the person closest to me because that is what I had been doing for years, not just months.

And now that there is no one in the abused boyfriend role in my life, I have no one to hate but myself. No one to abuse but me. It was all my fault. My fault I let our passion die. My fault we didn't have longer and more meaningful kisses. My fault we didn't share more adventures and help each other through the toughest trials. My fault that you'll hate me and my memory. My fault that you might possibly have problems in future relationships... My fault I didn't love you more thoroughly and completely. My fault that each of us are now alone and confused. My fault I am afraid to date anymore because of this monster that I discovered. My fault that I will be alone, driven insane by this fruitless guilt and sorrow I now will be burdened with for life, all because I couldn't choose to rise above and be happy...

I am ashamed of me sometimes. Ashamed that there is more of my stupidity to admit. Ashamed of the fact that if I do admit it to everyone involved in this stupidity in my head, all that will result will be more hate and loss of friendships... I feel that the only way for me to stay sane is to just run away from here, take the confusion I create and drag it away from these great friends and family I have tortured for so long. It's the only way I can see to make things right in the long run...


"Gravity" Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

But you're on to me, on to me, and all over me...

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.


Casey posted this two days before I broke up with him. I'm so sorry hun for making you feel like this, and I understand that I was the worst thing in the world for you these last few months... Just please forgive me and I beg you don't ever treat anyone else like the way I've treated you, just promise me that, please... Hopefully I've finally set you free