my new leaf

"I promise I won't anymore. How's that for ya?"

I said it with not really any sure intention on keeping the promise.

But I promised it.

I got to thinking about it after I got home. I already hate the way it makes me feel. Like I'm not really there in my body. Like I keep switching on and off, being present in myself sometimes but then switched off, like I am on autopilot, just sitting back and watching my body function from a distance without my mind.

It's an unnerving feeling. Being scared to move because I have no control. I hate being honestly scared. Why do I willingly put myself through it? Why did I go over my limit today anyways? I knew it was time to stop, but I didn't. Why the hell do I do it? Why do I think it's not that bad in the first place?

Thank you, Jessy, for putting these questions in my mind. Because honestly, you will probably be the reason me and Casey will still work. This is why you are my best friend. You make me question my stupidity. And I appreciate it. ALWAYS. So stop feeling bad already. Cuz I LOVE YOU!!

So I got to thinking about it. If I already hate the feeling, why do I do it? It's still a question I will need to ponder, but I will figure it out at a later time. I even told Matt, I shouldn't smoke weed with him anymore because I like being sober. Which is his problem- he doesn't. And why I don't think weed is that bad? Because with all the drugs I dealt with through Matt, marijuana is the least of my concerns. I would rather have him do that than the blacks he was doing the other day. Since it's gotta be one, I choose the greens.

And I promised it. As I continued to sit there thinking, the fact that I had promised him hit me hardest of all. All of a sudden any lingering desire I had to do anything again disappeared. I felt free, like a huge weight had been lifted off my mind, like I knew I didn't have to go behind his back and knew I didn't ever want to. To keep a promise, and to have it mean something in a relationship where everything still works.... I don't want to go back to a place or a time when promising something didn't count for shit, and I definitely don't want to be the one to start it.

I like this new leaf I've turned over. I think it's helping me finally move on, at least a little bit more. I am no longer stuck in the dark room I was before- a door has opened for me and I am choosing to walk out into the light and let myself shine. Almost nothing to hold me back and now nothing to poison my body anymore.

For once, I am proud of myself.

I am glad that I am getting over the past.
I am glad that I can work towards having better relationships with people.
I am glad that living my past has been able to teach me how to better live my future.
And I am also glad that I am still here to live it.