Christmas fire

Is it so weird that I kinda want to be alone this Christmas?

Or maybe not quite alone, but just away from everyone who takes Christmas the 'gifts and presents' sort of way...

I wish the holidays were really about the spirit of peace and harmony, love and friendship; being grateful for everything you have instead of wishing for things you don't... And by that I mean that I wish that was how everyone honestly thought about the holidays all the time. Because I know there is the one, maybe two days that people are reminded about the peace and harmony stuff, but who really has that in mind for the whole season?

I'm sick of always being asked what I want and what I am getting for other people and how much money I have and how much I'll need, and just getting caught up in the buy buy buy of the season. It all seems rather superfluous really, buying people things that they will only enjoy until they get tired of having that thing they wanted, while they still want everything they didn't get...

For this Christmas I want to be cosied up in front of a crackling fire in a small warm apartment that I've just found, wrapped in a blanket, sipping hot cocoa, listening to the tinkling of the tune "have yourself a merry little Christmas" from my memory-filled musicbox, being perfectly content to stare into the flames and silently be thankful for all I have and everything I don't need.

I wish it were possible this year just to gather my closest friends and loved ones together to sit with me by my fire and share stories and laugh at all the times we've had together and be grateful just to know that we are in each others' lives for a purpose: to live and love with passion and enthusiasm; to help each other along life's roads and highways when things do not always go the way we would like; to pick each other up and give words of advice when we're feeling down; to share hugs anytime possible; to be each others' crying shoulders; to learn how to be closer friends and family, better loves and better able to love each other and also ourselves...

Will you sit by my fire this Christmas?
Will you carry the fire of Christmas in your heart this season?
Remember what it is to feel joy and hope;
Spread it generously wherever you go-
Make the world a better place this Christmas!

my new leaf

"I promise I won't anymore. How's that for ya?"

I said it with not really any sure intention on keeping the promise.

But I promised it.

I got to thinking about it after I got home. I already hate the way it makes me feel. Like I'm not really there in my body. Like I keep switching on and off, being present in myself sometimes but then switched off, like I am on autopilot, just sitting back and watching my body function from a distance without my mind.

It's an unnerving feeling. Being scared to move because I have no control. I hate being honestly scared. Why do I willingly put myself through it? Why did I go over my limit today anyways? I knew it was time to stop, but I didn't. Why the hell do I do it? Why do I think it's not that bad in the first place?

Thank you, Jessy, for putting these questions in my mind. Because honestly, you will probably be the reason me and Casey will still work. This is why you are my best friend. You make me question my stupidity. And I appreciate it. ALWAYS. So stop feeling bad already. Cuz I LOVE YOU!!

So I got to thinking about it. If I already hate the feeling, why do I do it? It's still a question I will need to ponder, but I will figure it out at a later time. I even told Matt, I shouldn't smoke weed with him anymore because I like being sober. Which is his problem- he doesn't. And why I don't think weed is that bad? Because with all the drugs I dealt with through Matt, marijuana is the least of my concerns. I would rather have him do that than the blacks he was doing the other day. Since it's gotta be one, I choose the greens.

And I promised it. As I continued to sit there thinking, the fact that I had promised him hit me hardest of all. All of a sudden any lingering desire I had to do anything again disappeared. I felt free, like a huge weight had been lifted off my mind, like I knew I didn't have to go behind his back and knew I didn't ever want to. To keep a promise, and to have it mean something in a relationship where everything still works.... I don't want to go back to a place or a time when promising something didn't count for shit, and I definitely don't want to be the one to start it.

I like this new leaf I've turned over. I think it's helping me finally move on, at least a little bit more. I am no longer stuck in the dark room I was before- a door has opened for me and I am choosing to walk out into the light and let myself shine. Almost nothing to hold me back and now nothing to poison my body anymore.

For once, I am proud of myself.

I am glad that I am getting over the past.
I am glad that I can work towards having better relationships with people.
I am glad that living my past has been able to teach me how to better live my future.
And I am also glad that I am still here to live it.