Christmas fire

Is it so weird that I kinda want to be alone this Christmas?

Or maybe not quite alone, but just away from everyone who takes Christmas the 'gifts and presents' sort of way...

I wish the holidays were really about the spirit of peace and harmony, love and friendship; being grateful for everything you have instead of wishing for things you don't... And by that I mean that I wish that was how everyone honestly thought about the holidays all the time. Because I know there is the one, maybe two days that people are reminded about the peace and harmony stuff, but who really has that in mind for the whole season?

I'm sick of always being asked what I want and what I am getting for other people and how much money I have and how much I'll need, and just getting caught up in the buy buy buy of the season. It all seems rather superfluous really, buying people things that they will only enjoy until they get tired of having that thing they wanted, while they still want everything they didn't get...

For this Christmas I want to be cosied up in front of a crackling fire in a small warm apartment that I've just found, wrapped in a blanket, sipping hot cocoa, listening to the tinkling of the tune "have yourself a merry little Christmas" from my memory-filled musicbox, being perfectly content to stare into the flames and silently be thankful for all I have and everything I don't need.

I wish it were possible this year just to gather my closest friends and loved ones together to sit with me by my fire and share stories and laugh at all the times we've had together and be grateful just to know that we are in each others' lives for a purpose: to live and love with passion and enthusiasm; to help each other along life's roads and highways when things do not always go the way we would like; to pick each other up and give words of advice when we're feeling down; to share hugs anytime possible; to be each others' crying shoulders; to learn how to be closer friends and family, better loves and better able to love each other and also ourselves...

Will you sit by my fire this Christmas?
Will you carry the fire of Christmas in your heart this season?
Remember what it is to feel joy and hope;
Spread it generously wherever you go-
Make the world a better place this Christmas!

my new leaf

"I promise I won't anymore. How's that for ya?"

I said it with not really any sure intention on keeping the promise.

But I promised it.

I got to thinking about it after I got home. I already hate the way it makes me feel. Like I'm not really there in my body. Like I keep switching on and off, being present in myself sometimes but then switched off, like I am on autopilot, just sitting back and watching my body function from a distance without my mind.

It's an unnerving feeling. Being scared to move because I have no control. I hate being honestly scared. Why do I willingly put myself through it? Why did I go over my limit today anyways? I knew it was time to stop, but I didn't. Why the hell do I do it? Why do I think it's not that bad in the first place?

Thank you, Jessy, for putting these questions in my mind. Because honestly, you will probably be the reason me and Casey will still work. This is why you are my best friend. You make me question my stupidity. And I appreciate it. ALWAYS. So stop feeling bad already. Cuz I LOVE YOU!!

So I got to thinking about it. If I already hate the feeling, why do I do it? It's still a question I will need to ponder, but I will figure it out at a later time. I even told Matt, I shouldn't smoke weed with him anymore because I like being sober. Which is his problem- he doesn't. And why I don't think weed is that bad? Because with all the drugs I dealt with through Matt, marijuana is the least of my concerns. I would rather have him do that than the blacks he was doing the other day. Since it's gotta be one, I choose the greens.

And I promised it. As I continued to sit there thinking, the fact that I had promised him hit me hardest of all. All of a sudden any lingering desire I had to do anything again disappeared. I felt free, like a huge weight had been lifted off my mind, like I knew I didn't have to go behind his back and knew I didn't ever want to. To keep a promise, and to have it mean something in a relationship where everything still works.... I don't want to go back to a place or a time when promising something didn't count for shit, and I definitely don't want to be the one to start it.

I like this new leaf I've turned over. I think it's helping me finally move on, at least a little bit more. I am no longer stuck in the dark room I was before- a door has opened for me and I am choosing to walk out into the light and let myself shine. Almost nothing to hold me back and now nothing to poison my body anymore.

For once, I am proud of myself.

I am glad that I am getting over the past.
I am glad that I can work towards having better relationships with people.
I am glad that living my past has been able to teach me how to better live my future.
And I am also glad that I am still here to live it.

forces at work

I had an epiphony tonight.

It's one I should have realized so SO long ago...one that I have felt the effects so clearly in my life... one to which I should have honestly paid so much more attention.

I was catching up with my good friend Nate. He was telling me about how many hardships he has been encountering since I last saw him. He said that all he's ever wanted was to be happy. Just to be happy. But he said to me there just keeps coming all these bumps in his road to happiness. He told me that every time he gets to some point of happiness that something always goes so wrong that everything he worked for falls apart. His conclusion was that God must hate him and does not want him to ever be happy.

This is when my epiphony hit.

"God does NOT hate you, Nate!" I said. "God wants for you to be SO happy. He loves you so much!" (while saying this I truely felt like I was speaking the truth to him) "There are just other forces at work that will always be fighting against your happiness. But the thing about being happy is that you have to work to get there, and you also have to work to stay there."

Happiness doesnt come to those who wait for it. They will be forever waiting for someone or something to come along to pull them up out of the holes of despair they've dug for themselves. So in the end, you either dig yourself into your own personal hell, trapped within your own mind and the life you've chosen to have, OR, you carve stairs and hand and footholds into the walls of your prison of dirt and despair and pull yourself out.

It's definitely not easy. I speak from experience. I failed myself at one point. Well, probably more than one point. I am --I don't want to say 'lucky', but I can't think of a good enough word to fit. Maybe blessed. Yeah I'll take that-- blessed to have had, well, I don't know exactly what... kick my butt into realizing that all I ever wanted to be was happy also. I was motivated into searching and creating my own happiness by having fallen as far as I had. I wanted to see the sun again; I wanted to feel loved. And to have come so far and look around at all I would have missed out on, I am incredibly thankful that I chose to stay around and enjoy what I have in this life.

It definitely has not been easy... Back to my epiphony-- there ARE forces at work around us. I have felt their immediate effects on my life at times, and it has taken till now for me to remember them. I have been surrounded by things that have leeched the happiness and the hope right out of me, till I forgot what it felt like to have joy in even the most simplest things. I got to the point where I could no longer distinguish their presence from my own choices and my own emotions.

But to now be free of them- to know that it is once again my choice to live and love how and when I will... I will never stop living to love. It is my duty but most importantly my joy in life to share this peace and happiness I have found, to once again feel something close to complete and sincerely content. These ugly presences have no place in anyone's lives. But they honestly and, unfortunately, powerfully affect everyone they find. This is why it is so hard to retain happiness in one's life. They don't and never will want you to be happy.

We must fight and decide to be happy. It will not be easy; life never is.
Just remember that it is YOUR choice to live how you will.
Live to be loved-- but also love freely and you shall truely live.

God loves you SO much.
He is rooting for YOU,
and He will ALWAYS be there for you
whenever you feel the darkness creeping in
He hears;
but more importantly,
He LISTENS.

You are not alone.
You never have been.
But MOST importantly,
You never will be.

rising above

"Recently I had this conversation with one of the classes and thought I would share it with you, as it is a subject that has been deeply impacting my life lately. The question I posed to this class is this:

" 'Why do we allow ourselves to settle for mediocrity?'

"What exactly is mediocrity? When looking in the dictionary, its synonyms are fair, average, lacking exceptional ability, and second rate. Are these words that we want describing us? No! Within all of us resides untapped potential! We are more powerful than we can comprehend. There is a quote attributed to Nelson Mandela that begins, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." What often keeps us from achieving something is fear. Truly we are not incapable of great things, we just have to push ourselves. It is in this pushing that we learn many valuable lessons, as the road is usually riddled with unseen potholes.

"So why do we not push ourselves? Why do we settle? Why are we okay with being average? The consensus in class was lack of vision. If we don't have a firm grasp of who we are, what we want and where we are going, then we make no goals and achieve nothing. That is what makes us mediocre.

"I'm not saying that we all have to have the same ideal. What I am saying is, take a look at your life and see if there is something you can improve upon. It can range from massage, to a skill that you would like to master, or a character trait you would like to develop. Everyone has their own opinion as to what makes them mediocre or excellent. That is the great thing. We can all make that choice ourselves!

"I want to issue you all a challenge. Take some time and really ponder this. In your mind and on paper, I want you to create an amazing picture of what you want to be, the looks on your clients faces after a massage, your friend as they notice the change in your attitude, or a teacher that acknowledges you have learned a new skill. Once you have done this, I want you to set goals that will help you achieve these ideal images. It is only with those mental and physical pictures that you will stay motivated.

"I know, in each one of you resides an amazing ability. You are so magnificent! As I look at each of you every day I am astounded at the talents you possess. All of you are unique and have something to contribute. Find that something, because it will make you truly happy as you journey toward it. Don't let yourselves be anything less than you are, because NONE of you are mediocre. Look inward, overcome fear, and rise above."

--by Nicolle Buchanan--


My dearest Nicolle. She was one of the teachers that helped me get through my last months of school. She wrote this in a handout that we all received, and I do have to say, she is brilliant. This speech helped motivate me to the last-- all of a sudden it was like, "What am I doing?? I want to excel!!" So I did. I picked up the last month of school and tried my hardest. And I succeeded.

Her last line is inspiring. Look inward, overcome fear, and rise above. They all connect. To rise above you must first overcome the fear of everything that is holding you back. The motivation to overcome your fears or even first recognise that they exist will first come when you look inward. By looking inward you discover the things you really want most, thus giving you the personal power to overcome and achieve anything you wish.

We are all capable of more than mediocrity. It is just our choice to rise above it.

Need I say more?
Go out and RISE ABOVE!!

thank you dear god

My first interview as a massage therapist and I got the job.

I was scared as hell, but I knew from the first presentation that I had to work for this company.

They're known as Massage and Spa Express. The owner, Pam Anderson, probably the most awesome person I have ever met. She believes in spirit guides. She talked about them in her presentation.

"Learn to love and honor the great Seraswati," she said.

Seraswati is the goddess inside everyone. She is the goddess of knowledge and learning. Her counterpart is the goddess of wealth and growth (regrettably I forget her name).

But if you learn to love and honor the great Seraswati- learning to give yourself freely and cheerfully without expecting anything in return, the goddess of wealth and growth will become jealous because you are not giving her the attention she wants, so she will bless you with so much that you won't know what to do with everything she has given you.

We have to work hard in life. Work to live, work to love, work to make money and survive. But Pam believes that if you focus too much on the financial side of life, you soon forget why it is that you are working. You become greedy and only want what's in it for you. People don't like to be on the receiving end of your work at that point and all you get in return is a nasty fall.

Giving yourself lovingly and freely, on the other hand, people will love you and everything you do. Keep your heart and your intentions pure- put forth the work and the effort that everyone will appreciate. Go the extra mile and Seraswati will bless you in learning and love.

This way, everyone wins.

Work with good intentions.
Watch out for those you love.
Do what makes you truely happy.

I know for me, when I make others happy is when I am truely happy.
Putting forth only half the effort and seeing dissatisfaction on the other end never made me happy. And all I ever wanted was to be happy.

I think this job will do me good.
Spiritually, emotionally, physically.

I'm excited to reach that point in my life.

keep moving forward

Creation vs. Discovery.

This is life. For real.

Everyone always talks about leaving on a journey to find themselves at least once in their life. Granted, I've had my moments also. But is it possible to really lose yourself in the beginning?

I heard a quote the other day- it is what inspired me to rethink how I've been doing and seeing things lately. The quote was:

"Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself."

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it is ABSOLUTELY true. From the moment you are born and start to learn and develop, you begin creating yourself and who you will be. Sure, life is guaranteed to throw the unexpected at you, and you have to find your way around it or through it or however it is that you move on (or don't... for those of us who can't just yet), but the only way to keep moving along the torrentious river that is life is to just keep on rowing, sculpting yourself and building the stamina, experience, but most of all the determination that will make you want to keep rowing till you reach the shoreline that is peace and serenity.

But not all river trips are smooth and easy. You might hit a rock and dent your kayak; it may start to leak or get water spashed in it; you might lose a paddle if the going is really hard; you may fall and get dowsed if that is where your river takes you; and you could possibly get stuck without any way to get out at all... Life is not easy all of the time.

But this is how you create yourself. You create yourself around the experiences that you gain. You decide your attitute and how you choose to go with the flow- things come at all of us and we change and adapt and stay afloat; we slowly fill the dents and patch the holes in our boat with new things that make us feel close to the same happy we were; we look for our lost friends, loves, and paddles, or try to find a new ones that will keep us on course while going through many that wont always do what they should; --it is your perspective on things that will keep you moving, or get you stuck if that is the attitude you give yourself about what comes at you.

Eh. I feel like I am rambling. But I guess what I am trying to say is, if you are not someone you like, create yourself into someone you do. You choose who and what you want to be. Take life as it comes to you and decide to be the better person.

You can be amazing. You have so much potential.
And I believe that is true for everyone and anyone.
You are wonderful.

Go and create yourself into the person you want to be.

Stop this nonsense about 'finding yourself'.
I know at times it may seem like you are lost and wandering...
But stop. Just stop.
Take a step back and look around;
Find the things that make you sincerely happy and hold on so tightly to them
Because they are the things that will pull you through--
You created yourself to love them, remember?
Remember what it felt like to be happy
And choose to go back to learning,
And loving--
Not wandering...

Relearn about yourself and CREATE!